Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Drama Revisited...Unfortunately

In my past I lived in a crappy neighborhood. I remained there for a few different reasons. I wanted to stay near my grandmother who refused to move. The house I bought was cheap. I hated the fact that my cousins were being raised by a worthless woman. I stayed to keep an eye out and to take care of those I thought who needed me.

One of my cousins had an unfortunate upbringing. His so called birth mother took care of him, if you can call it that, until she basically dumped him on her grandmother. She then took off for a long time doing things that even I wouldn't want to mention on this blog. His great grandmother raised him until his birth mother came back pregnant with her second child. Shortly after his birth, their great grandmother died. Then the years of true torment began for my oldest son. I hope by now you realize I am the adoptive mother. The younger child was given anything he wanted, including anything that belonged to his older brother. The older child, my son, was beaten, locked up in closets, starved and made to be the house keeper. Basically, Cinderfella without Jerry Lewis or a Fairy God Mother.

One day the boys' birth mother dumped them both on the street in front of the house that they grew up in, which was foreclosed on and boarded up. It was after a friend of the family's death. She dropped them off with no roof over their head, no food to eat and didn't even tell them she would be back. She didn't come back for days. My grandmother and I called child protective service and had them come and get the boys. It was the only way for us to get them completely away from their birth mom and give them a better chance for their future.

Since my grandmother was the closest living relative, she retained custody and I helped her raise them until she died. When my grandmother passed, other family members stepped in and took the boys with them. They wouldn't even let me see the will. Maybe six months later, one of them called and asked if I would take the oldest boy. If not, she was going to send him back to the foster care system. That is when I took over completely and did my best to give him a better life.

My payment for many years was lying, theft, smoking (cigarettes and pot), ditching school and disrespecting my property as well as my other children. Through it all, I never stopped loving him. In fact, I am sure some will say I went above and beyond for him, almost to the point of choosing him over my other children. I tried to save him, because I understood what he came from. I was in a place as bad as he had been when I was growing up. I know what it feels like to hate the world and believe that no one loves you. I know what it is to hear how you can't do anything right. I know what it feels like to have other children chosen before you. No matter what you do to be loved, it seems like all you can do is wrong.

Sadly, I have failed at my task. He is now 25 years old and has done me wrong for the last time. I wrote him out of my life even though it killed me. I know I will not ever be allowed to see my grandson again without legal intervention. Legal intervention I can ill afford to purchase. For all my kindness, my faith and my patience, I have been paid back with loss of money, a destroyed computer and my own son trying to demolish my reputation. He has even went so far as to tell people he had my job. Sadly, he hasn't worked in a couple of years and now lives on the street.

Grief has more than one face.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

24 Hours Awake

Unfortunately I don't get the sleep I should, nor do I get sleep when I need it the most. I work a third shift job, which isn't bad. It is actually 98% of the time quiet. Almost dull to the point of sleep sometimes. The only problem with it is that on my day off I get home at 7a.m. If I want to enjoy my day off I have to stay up for 24 hour or more. Then i try to go to bed at a decent time that evening. So then I put myself on a daytime schedule, but in order to enjoy my entire days off I then have to stay up for an additional 24 hours on the day I have to go back to work. My body is complaining at me repeatedly for the strife I am putting it through. I am beginning to agree with it. I remember when I was much, much younger. I would stay awake for three days at a time. I have no clue how I even did that now. By the time hour 24 rolls around I am crabby and practically hallucinating.

Now combine all of the above with the following information. I also home school my youngest, run my online bakery, do my second hobby (photography) and take Karate. I also have friends complaining that I have no time to spend with them. I understand. Sometimes I just want a week off to enjoy myself with no stress, then I remember financially it isn't possible. Can't I just will the lottery? Nothing major. Just enough to take a vacation. Anyone know the numbers to next weeks drawing and willing to share them?

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Karate One, Two...Day Three

I must say that I am enjoying Karate class. I figured I would be mocked or snickered at because of my weight. But truthfully everyone works as a team, more like a family though. Minus the bickering. If I need help, they are there, if I have questions, someone answers it and explains why if necessary. Karate students and masters have a ton of patience. Something I have lacked most of my life. I am not practical in that department at all.

Taking karate has made me practice patience and that isn't easy, I don't like making mistakes, let alone making the same one over and over again. Learning the basic form was worse than learning a dance move. Still not sure if I got it, but didn't know it would make me work up a sweat while practicing it either. Oh well. If you lack discipline like me, I highly recommend karate. It will make you disciplined and have fun at the same time too.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Sick, Sick and Ouch!

I love making a decision to continue writing and life decides to take a bite out of me and my time.

I have been sick. I work third shifts at my job and I left work at 6:30 a.m. the Friday morning and by 3 p.m. that day I wasn't able to leave my bed. Been sick since then and today is the first day I have felt any better at all. Though just to make sure I don't forget I am human, my back decided to have a fit and kick me in the butt too. Oh well, I am sitting up and moving VERY slowly. Any sudden movements have me screaming, not an attractive site at all. Crossing my fingers I will be back up and in hardly any pain tomorrow. Going to be either brave or stupid, but I am going to try and work tonight. Wish me luck!

Thursday, March 1, 2012

So Much To Do, So Little Time

I know my life is not the only one out there jam packed with busyness, but I swear there is not enough time in a day, a week or even a month to accomplish anything. This year is the year I am trying to totally change my life around. Will I succeed? Only time, which drags, will tell. I know I wish to reach my goals.

Yesterday I started Karate class. Some might cheer, me on the other hand....I just want to learn how to kick butt and get in shape at the same time. It was a site to see. There I stood, a forty year old fat(yes I said fat) woman, surrounded by other students. All of them were under the age of ten. Now if that wasn't a funny site, I don't know what is funny. I thought I would die when the Master said to run laps. I mean, a fat woman running isn't seen, just too many things bounce. I did better than I thought I would. I think that helped a bit. My kicking left my toes hurting until I was able to capture the form and not smash my toes. I did win the small competition that was held. Should I be happy that I beat out children? Hell yes!! Those little ninjas are quick! They ran circles around me and never quit bouncing on their toes. Toes they could stand and bounce on all during class. I couldn't bounce as much as I liked. I blame the fact that when I would bounce on my toes the rest of me would jiggle like jello and bounce me off balance. Getting this weight off is going to take TIME and OMG so much work. Getting fat was easy. Getting thin might just kill me.

I did have fun, even though it took me a bit to not be self conscious on the floor. The other adults were sitting on the sidelines watching their children and I was in class with mine. Good you say? Yes it is, but having others stare at you, not good for self esteem at all.

I have my second class tonight and surprisingly I am looking forward to it. Who knows, maybe I will beat the little karate tots in another competition. Mean to want to beat out little ones? Maybe. Sad that it makes me a bit happy? Definitely. Keeping me motivated? Yep!! Sorry kiddos, this chunky mama is in it to win it. ;)

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

To Blog Or Not To Blog??

That is the question. Sorry Shakespeare, I just had to steal from you.

Truthfully, I miss blogging. Truthfully, I hate the fact that my life is still filled with drama. Is everyone else's lift filled with drama all the time too? I wish I knew.

Things are still chaotic and dramatic around here. In the year I have been away I have started and online bakery, sold Avon, switched careers twice and working on a third one and have contemplated going back to school. Decisions, decisions. Not to mention I wrecked my beloved Thunderbird yet again. This time completely totaling it out of use. My children have aged, I have aged, yet the drama seems still babyish and young.

Is being forty and starting over a midlife crisis or rejuvenation? I mean half of my life is over with and I truly feel I have not much to show for it. Time will tell. So as I begin blogging anew, I will do my best to keep up with interesting tales of single mother struggles, a non-existent dating life, driving dos and don'ts, photography which I love and a job that makes me wonder why I love it so much.

Hello blogging world, The Real Life Drama Queen is BACK!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Twitter What?

I will admit that though I tend to spend too much time on the computer, I really am not as savoy as I used to be on it. There once was a time that I could build cheesy web pages and make animated graphics. Pretty sure I can still do the animated graphics, if I get an old program. But now, hell. I have been trying for two months to figure out hot to put a FaceBook button on my side bar. I am after all and loyal and true FaceBook junkie.

I avoided Twitter like the plague. Why? Well, do I really need another addiction? Apparently so. Since I couldn't figure out how to do the FaceBook thing. I broke down and joined Twitter. Not sure if I should shake my head at myself or jump for joy that I at least figured one thing out. Of course, it was easy when you have the easy adapt button on here. Maybe I shouldn't be so pleased? LOL