Thing Number 7 Explained

I can honestly say I have been avoiding this particular post. That is the reason for the delay in this explanation. It just brings back some rough memories.

I married the man I went with to the prom. Now we didn't marry directly out of high school. We had an off again, on again relationship until I was twenty. When we finally married, I was pregnant at the time. Though we did not wed because of the pregnancy. I refused. Eventually, because I loved him, the wedding commenced.

We had several very happy years together. We struggled financially, as the majority of married couples do. No matter how we tried, we never got finances in order. We lived in the ghetto. Struggling in dead end jobs. Raising our son and living next to my grandmother, whom helped us out more times then I can remember.

We eventually got lucky and a friend of ours sold us his old computer for a reasonable price. We then in turn, got hooked to the Internet. We did what we thought was the smart thing. Our online friends were mutual. I became really close to one lady in particular. I trusted her completely. See, almost every female friend I had in the past had stolen from me, broke my trust or in the end, slept with my husband. I ended up telling this woman about how my husband had cheated on me. It was with hope that she might help me. I needed someone to talk to, to trust. In order to save my marriage. It was one of the biggest mistakes I had ever made, in my life.

He, naturally, was friends with her too. I introduced them. After all, his friends were my friends and vice versa. So every time they talked, I didn't think anything of it. Again, my mistake.

Vixen can vouch for this next part.

He ended up telling me, and I quote, "I love you, but I am not in love with you. I love someone else." That was a HUGE shock to me. We had no more female friends. I refused to be around women after the cheating episodes. When I asked him who and he told me. I was floored. Then I was pissed. I slapped him silly and threw him out. She eventually left her husband for my husband. With nothing but pictures sent between them. There is much more to tell, but it is nothing but hateful and hurtful memories.

The main problem I have from all of this, I am afraid of love. That is the truth. Even my youngest sons father, didn't get close emotionally to me. That is probably the main reason for my non dating lifestyle. I have always been a one man kind of woman. I always will be.

Now I am faced with finding one man. That scares the shit out of me. I can honestly say, I would rather be alone then to ever feel pain, like I had in my past, ever again. I loved my ex-husband completely. Maybe too much. Such is the mistakes we make in life.

I am sure you will forgive me, if I never broach this subject again.